Quotes directly from the application will be in this color. My comments will be in black.

Since this application did not receive an outright acceptance, I have provided much more information in the overall review than simply  strengths  and  suggestions . This is normal procedure for applications that are not immediately accepted.

Matt Walsh. Hoplite Morpheus. The MYTHOS Organization.

Overall Civilian

Birth Place

I don’t think you need to make up an Ohio town for this game. The only novelty here is that it’s called Cyprus and that happens to be Greek. And since no one else has made a real effort to have their character come from a fake Greek city, there’s no reason for it. You could easily use Lima, Findlay, or Toledo for mid-sized northwestern cities. If you want a city that is influenced by Greek culture, you could have Matt be from Cleveland or Columbus.

Student Involvements

I don’t think that Matt would be involved with the Hillel unless he were Jewish.

Skills

“Bedhead:  Not a skill, but a condition, Matt's hair refuses to behave, often looking as though he's just woken up.  Combing will not tame the mane, and nothing will short of shaving it bald, which its owner isn't keen on.”

This is a bit more appropriate for a Hypnos, I think. From a scientific standpoint, in REM sleep, you don’t actually do any moving – your motor nerves aren’t “turned on”. So you’re less likely to be tossing and turning and creating bed head.

“Low blood pressure:  Again, more of a condition than a skill, but Matt tends to have low blood pressure particularly in the morning, making it difficult for him to roll out of bed – and making him groggy and irritable in the process.”

In general, blood pressure goes up in REM sleep, not down. Since this skill seems to only be present to emphasize the fact that Matt is a VERYVERYVERYVERY laid back person, I really don’t think it needs to be here.

Personality

In general, and I believe this was brought up with you before, you do not want to make a floaty dreamer personality for a character who is the soldier of dreams. That kind of personality type is not only ridiculously obvious but it’s painfully overdone and incredibly boring to play/play with. My point is that you should probably come up with a new personality for this character if you really want to make a Morpheus.

I am coming out right now to flat out say that I am not going to accept a detached, out there mystical dreamer-type personality for a Sailor/Hoplite Morpheus. I will, however, give this personality a full review, regardless.

“Taking it easy:  Matt isn't the sort of person who likes to raise a big fuss about day-to-day occurrences, going with the flow when he can, saving his big stinks for things that really matter…”

This is a trait that’s already pretty well occupied by at least two characters.

“He's the sort of person who could sit for an hour or two doing the same thing and not become bored or irritated with it – as long, of course, as it's interesting and something that he's wanting to do.”

Pretty much anyone can sit for an hour or two doing the same thing over and over and not become bored as long as they are interested in what they are doing. For instance, I can log 13 hours in a single sitting playing Final Fantasy, and that’s just a load of running around, reading and hitting the action button repeatedly.

This was a trait that distinguished Matthew until: “as long, of course, as it’s interesting and something that he’s wanting to do.” This statement just made Matt sound like every other person ever and completely negated any reason to even mention this trait.

“Matt would not be the person who practical joked you on April Fool's Day by rigging your door to spill a cascade of water over you as soon as you entered, but rather the one who set up a series of phonecalls about the police being about to tow your vehicle – ones that sounded just close enough to potentially being real.”

You say that Matt is peaceful and tries to avoid conflict, but this trait definitely does not work with those to ideas. So you’re going to have to pick one or the other.

“Introversion:  Although Matt quite firmly likes people, at heart he's an introvert, and thus requires time on his own to recharge, lest he become irritable and short with others.  During these times, he often goes on long, meandering walks with no particular destination or can be found in his room, battling some form of puzzle game, like Tetris – as the challenge of formulating shapes out of rapidly falling blocks relaxes him.  Those who disturb him during these interludes are liable to get snapped at.  Otherwise, he's quite sociable.”

This trait conflicts with his wanting attention. Sure you don’t have to want attention all of the time, but at the same time it’s very hard to be introverted and to also want to have all eyes on you.

It’s one thing to not be able to garner people’s attention, but wanting attention and also wanting to not be around people just doesn’t make much sense.

“If he can't distract or avoid the conflict by any conceivable means, a wall of a most stubborn stoniness comes down – or, if he's managed to lose his temper entirely, he lashes out verbally, seeking to take down the other by any means possible, even if his argument isn't a logical one.”

First I’ll address the bolded portion: One of Rose’s major traits is that when she does reach a boiling point after sitting on her anger, she tends to lash out – stupidly, of course, because she’s not a very intelligent person. I feel like this is a bit too similar to Rose.

Now, for the trait in its entirety: essentially, what I am getting from this statement is that Matt tries to talk people down in conflict, but when he can’t do that he either gets grumpy and standoffish or enraged and screamy. This, to me, seems like normal human nature that has been described in a way that tries to make it sound unique to Matt. You could’ve just as easily said that Matt dislikes conflict, and tries to avoid it, but when it arises he handles it as any other normal person would.

“Staring issues:  A makeup artist for the theater, Matt enjoys faces – examining the curve of another person's cheekbone, the bump in the bridge of their nose, the cleft in the chin.  Silently he will observe, deconstructing the faces of others in his mind, deciding what changes in another's face would make them more attractive, what is overemphasized by makeup, and what could be altered to create a certain effect.  This habit is part of what makes him good at his work, but can also be rather unnerving for the one being observed.  Needless to say, not everyone being observed is fond of this habit.”

I really liked this trait. It was definitely cool, unique and interesting.

Overall Personality
This personality is definitely much more refined than your previous submission, but at the same time, there are some problems that still persist. For one, there were traits that you were told explicitly to lose that definitely did not disappear. As I have said, I am not going to be accepting the detached care free dreamer Morpheus, and that is pretty much the core concept for this character.

A lot of the aspects of the personality seemed to conflict for me – introverted but attention-seeking, hates conflict but not only is he a trickster/prankster, he also speaks in a way that sounds mocking and he uses double entendres “so that he can later say that he was misinterpreted.” If someone disagrees with him.

This problem doesn’t just arise in the personality, either: the appearance seems to be a conflict of “big and manly” and “delicate and feminine” – two appearance aspects that just do not go together.

This personality is really riding on a borderline here. It obviously has a very sturdy base, and looks well thought out, but it also almost seems like it’s not giving enough boundaries. Matt could, conceivably (with this personality), act randomly to fit the situation.

Appearance

“His face is young-looking, that of one perpetually with a touch of the little boy look, face round and smooth through the cheeks, facial expressions shifting openly to seemingly reflect whatever is on his mind.”

I have to admit that I am not sure what you were trying to say here. Aside from the run-on, I’ve bolded the areas that made this statement difficult to comprehend.

“Blue-gray eyes are wide when open fully (though more often half-lidded and sleepy-looking)”

This statement came out sounding rather awkward. In the first part, yes, most people have wide eyes when their eyes are “opened fully”. The way this is phrased, it sounds like you are saying “When Matt opens his eyes wide they are wide, but otherwise his eyes are not wide.”

I would suggest possibly describing his eye shape or size, something like: “Matt’s blue-gray eyes are very large, but this isn’t apparent because he almost always looks sleepy.” It also needs to be said that the majority of our male characters are already blue-eyed. Feel free to give Matt a weird eye color – purple, green, red, orange, amber – but we’ve got enough blue for now.

The only other comment to make at the moment about appearance is that you forgot to define a hair color – you just called it dark – and since a lot of our cast is already dark haired, it’d be better to pick out a lighter color.

History

“Disaster struck, however, when Matt was a year old.  Robert passed away.  It came abruptly – a heart attack on the work site while Robert was talking to the foreman.  Unable to easily get the ambulance into the site due to the torn up roadway to the subdivision, the paramedics were not quick enough to save him, and Robert died on the site.  Too young to understand death, too young to ultimately remember much about his father, the loss affected Irene the most.  Matt was shuffled between various relatives and friends as his mother fought to cope with the loss of her husband and a resulting depression as she struggled to sort out how to support herself.”

There are plenty of ways to have a single parent family set up (not that we don’t already have enough of those) without having the tragic family death. Both Casper and Valdis have relatively sad histories based on the fact that someone close to them died. Most of the cast of Mythos have family-related issues. We really need some more happy families in this game, even if it’s single mother who got herself knocked up in high school happy families.

I think that Matt’s relationship with his mother could do with a bit more explaining. I know what you’re trying to get at, but at the same time, I think you rely a bit too much on the reader to draw conclusions. At the moment, it sounds like Matt’s mother is saying “Even a stripper is better than a make up artist!”

The job market is shit, but it’s probably easier to get a behind the scenes movie job – especially considering the fact that, in recent years, the movie industry has been shoving money into getting awareness out about behind-the-scenes positions.

Overall Soldier

Element of Influence

I would’ve preferred that you not tack on new elements for Morpheus without asking first. I’m very iffy about illusions – splitting hairs here, but hallucinations would’ve been a better term – and I think vision needs a bit more elaboration. Morpheus was a messenger of the gods to the humans – he was the one giving the visions, not receiving them.

And with characters who are more directly associated with oracles and receiving visions, this distinction definitely needs to be made.

Skills & Abilities

“Dream thief:  Though Matt will start out thinking that he has started dreaming dreams where he's never himself, he'll come to understand that all of his dreams are those of other people.  He cannot control what he dreams (and he's oh-so-thrilled to be caught in someone else's I'm-suddenly-naked-in-public dream), but most often they're the dreams of those who are closer to him in proximity.  All his life, he's tended to remember his dreams in great detail; they rarely fade upon waking.  He's come to keep a journal of them, and has accumulated several notebooks' worth over the years.  After attaining his locket, he'll tend to have few dreams of his own for some time.”

Honestly, I don’t like this skill. I am telling you not to include it if you submit another Morpheus application. The skill is too powerful and just doesn’t make any sense: MANY people have dreams where they aren’t “themselves” and most people cannot control their dreams.

What would be interesting would be if Matt could control his dreams – lucid dreaming.

Strengths: This character seems much more like a “finished” product than the first version. Despite some strange grammar in places, the writing was pretty good. You’ve definitely got some really interesting ideas that are worth looking at and expanding upon here.

Suggestions: If you want to play Hoplite Morpheus, then you need to entirely rework this character. Like I’ve said, I am not going to accept the laid back Morpheus because there’s nothing unique or innovative about the Sailor Dream who’s so groovy that their pulse barely registers. There are some aspects of this character that you are obviously very attached to, and those aspects just are not going to get accepted, so it may even be a good idea to start on a new character entirely.

Your writing is good and you’ve presented a lot of great and interesting ideas – the movie make up is a great concept, and his weird staring quirk is my favorite part of the application – but they’re overshadowed by things that I’ve seen a million times before – introverted dream character, theater major who has conflict with his family, dead parent syndrome.

I would love to see you resubmit, but I think that it would be best if you did so with a new character.

Verdict: Declined-Revise.